A fashion conspiracy

My taste has not changed much since I was in my 30s.  The styles that appealed to me back then can oftentimes be revisited in today’s fashions. I am a lover of balanced proportions, flattering shapes, clean lines, non-clashing patterns, and good quality.

I eagerly dive into the women’s magazines at doctor’s office waiting rooms and in beauty salons, fantasize about my body being about two sizes smaller than it is now, and imagine myself in some of the clothes I see within their pages, as I always have.  I am not immune to the temptation to tear out a page when no one is looking (uh-oh — busted!), just to make sure I don’t forget what I will need to look up when I get home.

I am convinced, however, women’s magazines that boast reasonably-priced beauty products (not the Vogue or Elle magazines of the world) and ‘affordable’ wardrobe pieces do this merely to tease us.

Why?  Because EVERY single time I go to find that ‘crisp blazer’, described as a stretchy little white cotton sateen jacket that can be worn with a slouchy tank in a sort of ‘hot-Miami-nights’ way does not exist except in the picture.

They tout the label as Nine West, yet not a single Google hit gets me to that jacket using their exact description.  Take three steps back and punt. It’s supposedly available at Macy’s. So I sift through dozens of online pages but still find nothing like the one in the magazine.

I am convinced they do this merely to make us resort to a trip to Marshall’s to look for a knock-off.  If these magazines are laid out a month or two before they go to press, then why not at least tell us the items they show on their pages are already outdated and perhaps even out of stock?

Here is another question for you:  why do I have to go all the way to a department store to buy high quality makeup?  Neighborhood stand-alone stores like Sephora or Ulta can’t carry the full lines of any of the department store brands I have come to know and love as a Boomer, from Chanel, to Prescriptives, to Lancome to Bobbi Brown. So I find myself schlepping all the way to the mall for a lousy bottle of foundation or moisturizer or having to wait for it to be sent after ordering it online.

Can you take one more rant? A frustration of mine is the introduction of all those cool looking blue jeans supposedly designed for the middle-aged woman. Please, no two-inch rises that barely clear the pubic bone,  no skinny-cut legs for us. With these made-for-us-Boomer jeans, every detail is supposed to flatter the seasoned woman’s curves, such as bootleg styling and tummy flattening technology built into the jeans.

Last week I went to try on some of these jeans made just for me. And what do I find?  The waistband rises so high I feel like Erkel, the thighs are cut so snugly they emphasize the least attractive part of my shape, and the zipper doesn’t even start until halfway up the crotch, making them look like grandma pants.

I will not give up, however. The perfect pair of jeans in the perfect mid-dark wash is out there somewhere. And someday I WILL look like a reasonable facsimile of the model in the picture, who has anything BUT the figure of this (overly)shapely woman they talk about.  No lumps, no bumps, the pant legs will float gracefully away from the thigh at just the perfect location so as to shape and snug the derriere nicely, and the waistband will hug flatteringly without creating a muffin top.

It will happen.  In this lifetime. Because I’ve only got this one time to go around.

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